For All That You Are
by words-are-my-weakness
Summary: A oneshot fic dervied from a still image of Rachel and Gill's heart to heart when they are in Bristol end of S2E3 Written in the middle of the night, so I apologise for the poor quality. Facebook fangirls will understand.


_**It's a bit long and a bit random and I have used dialogue from S2E3 which I Do Not Own! This is for the fangirls who will understand where the idea comes from. Had to promote my poetry, hence the random one at the end, but sort of works. Please review! :) **_

The day was long as began to draw to a close as the dark sky covered the streets of Cambridge. The air was different, it muggy but strange, something just didn't feel right; this night was going to be one to remember. The atmosphere of the day had been tense but now was beginning to turn calmer and more relaxing. One or two people sipped their coffee from plastic cups that always gave the drink a disgusting taste, but on the whole there wasn't much noise or activity anywhere. The coffee shop was set back from the main road, meaning the passing traffic couldn't even be heard, unless you strained yourself to hear it. Headlights bounced off of the windows as they sped through the black of night. The moon glistened in the darkness, surrounded by stars in their orbit. It was an amazing sight; one which people didn't often get the time to appreciate.

Below the beautiful sky, Gill sat at on a stool at the metal table nearest the window with her Detective Constable, Rachel Bailey. They had advised on a case together; not Gill's first choice of detective to accompany her, but Rachel had surprised her, she was professional for the majority of the time, and got a result in the end. For Rachel, the experience had also been eye opening; Gill wasn't the tough, ice queen, Godzilla bitch of a chief inspector she thought she was, she was beginning to see her mask slipping. _Would it fall off completely?_ Rachel wondered as she sat stirring her coffee.

"You know when Janet got stabbed" Rachel began, breaking the awkward silence that had been piercing her ears with its volume for the past ten minutes. Rachel continued to stir her drink even though she decided if she stirred it anymore there would be no coffee left. She couldn't make eye contact with her boss, she didn't know why, it was completely irrational, but there was something in her head telling her not to look now.

"Mmm" Gill answered, also stirring her own coffee, getting faster as painful memories came flooding back.

"Well I fell apart, you didn't, I just stood there shaking and babbling, I'd only known her twelve months, you'd known her twenty years, yet it was me that was falling to bits" Rachel confessed, like a child, disappointed in herself, but also admiringly of her boss for being so strong, when her best friend was at death's door. She wanted to be more like her, well in some ways, she wanted to have the strength to deal with so much pain and hurt, instead of breaking down. However, she didn't want to be a bitch to everyone she came into contact with, out of fear of being hurt, she didn't want to put up those barriers to save her heart from breaking a little more, there was still part of Rachel that wanted to be human. Also, Rachel knew she had strong negative feelings toward Gill most of the time, as did many other people, she knew how much this would hurt her if people felt like that about her.

"If I hadn't have been there, you'd have done everything I did; you had the luxury of falling apart because you knew I wouldn't. You'd have coped if you had to. Plus, I remember thinking if this is the last thing I ever do for Janet, and I hope to God it isn't, I'm going to do it properly. That's where your head would have been if it had to be" Gill began but as her emotions began to build up, she diverted the course of the conversation ever so slightly. "The fact that you beat yourself up so much about stuff tells me how keen you are to learn and get things right. You're good, one day you'll be very good, alright?" Gill paused for a moment to look at Rachel. The brunette had decided that it was now 'safe' to look up and put the wooden stirrer on the table. She blushed at the complement, having not received enough praise or encouragement from her boss in the past. Gill knew Rachel was brilliant, but she made mistakes and had to shape up if she wanted her career to last.

This was the odd moment Gill had known was coming all night. She knew this was no ordinary evening, and it wasn't. _When did she, DCI Gill Murray ever willingly open up to a colleague, one that she wasn't even that close to_? _'Well tonight'_ she answered her own question.

"I made a really bad decision once" Gill started but realised she didn't want to continue, knowing full well she would have to keep going.

"What?" Rachel asked after a moment's silence. She tilted her head in an attempt to catch her boss' eye.

Gill looked up nervously knowing there was no going back now. "It was when Sammy was four. I realised way back then that Dave was mucking about with another woman, and I buried my head in the sand. I was in love with the man I wanted him to be, not the man he clearly was, and I ignored it, for ten years, pretended it wasn't happening, and if I'd had the guts to deal with it then, instead of later, when I had to, when he went off with..." Gill broke off tearfully, unable to speak that bitch's name. Rachel nodded to save Gill more pain, already completely understanding every word. "Everything would have been so much better for Sammy, but for me as well, 'cause I'd have got myself organised, so I didn't have to stop working at the faculty. I loved that job Rachel, I was good at it, I know I was born for it, and I'd almost forgotten how much 'til these last few days, forgotten how alive it made me feel" Gill stopped before her tears were beyond control. Her delicate hands wrapped around her warm cup and her head bowed so Rachel would not see the painful emotions being played out on her face.

Rachel smiled realising how human her boss was; how she felt pain, how she loved and lost, just like everyone else. They had more in common that Rachel realised; her mother went off with another man, leaving her and her brother and sister to fend for themselves, and Dave had left Gill for another woman. It wasn't the same, Rachel knew, but the love and loss was still there.

After Dave had left and Gill's walls around her heart were firmly built, she began to write her thoughts and feelings down to save her sanity. It was personal and it was private. But at this moment, there was one poem that Gill said in her head, knowing it word for word that she had written about Dave,

'_You were the light,_

_Burning through my darkest night,_

_You were my shelter from the rain,_

_My shield from the pain,_

_You were the warmth when I was cold,_

_You kept me young when I felt old,_

_You made me alive when I felt dead,_

_When I was tired, you were my bed,_

_When I was weak you carried me,_

_You showed me who I could be, _

_But now you're gone this is a distant memory'._

Rachel looked away not wanting to fluster her boss, but was upset at the sight of Gill crying; a sight she had never seen before, and was likely to never see again. Gill tutted and tried to sniff back her tears but was failing miserably. Rachel couldn't not do anything any longer, but asked herself what she could do. Whatever she said would probably be inappropriate and could easily make the situation a thousand times worse. Decidedly, Rachel stretched her arm forward and rested her hand on Gill's, the hands that were still firmly grasping the plastic, not-so-warm cup, to let her know she was there, that she understood and that it was alright. She smiled reassuringly, and squeezed her hand gently. Rachel knew she would be bollocked as soon as they got back to Manchester, but at this moment, she didn't really care.

The calmness of the atmosphere had disappeared and the noise levels seemed to build up. Gill turned to face the window and as the beauty of the sky hit her, she couldn't help but smile, tightening her hand to keep hold of Rachel's.


End file.
